Chipotle Experiment

Well it was about 12:30pm and lunch was right around the corner. My co-worker Adam suggested Chipotle for lunch.

It seems like there are two primary schools of thought surrounding Chipotle: Chipotle is either your all-time favorite restaurant and you suggest it as a restaurant option even while at another restaurant, or you openly detest Chipotle and express that loudly while in line at Chipotle. Both are annoying. I don’t fall under either of those as I am mostly indifferent and not annoying, but I guess I’ve had generally average experiences. All this to say, I agreed to go to Chipotle.

My only (very) real issue with Chipotle is that they have cilantro in both their brown and white rice. That is ALL the rice. Unlike my attitude toward Chipotle as a whole, cilantro is something I am vehemently against. I hate it. Cilantro is that person who puts a dirty fork in a dishwater full of freshly cleaned dishes. Cilantro is that friend who spoils the movie like, while you’re watching the movie. Cilantro is that guy at the party who trips over the power cord and shuts off the music and subsequent fun. Basically cilantro ruins everything.

However, despite how much I hate it, I usually order the rice anyway because what is a burrito bowl without rice? It is a salad.

 

Anyways, I’ve been tolerating this disgustingly flavored rice in my burrito bowls for years. I guess I’m just a silent sufferer, a martyr of sorts. But for some reason, today I decided perhaps I could try to find an alternative to misery. While in line at Chipotle, I began plotting.

Once it was my turn to order, in true entrepreneurial fashion, I boldly asked, “do you by any chance have rice without cilantro?”

What my voice lacked in hope, it made up for in desperation. The expression on my face was that of someone who had been burned before at restaurants – been brought the wrong order, been left too long without a drink refill, been told “wow someone was hungry!!!” on a date by a waiter, etc.

So I stood there, hands shaking, eyes wide, unsure of what was to come, wondering whether I should’ve even asked, hoping for the best but anticipating a burrito bowl being thrown in my face. Until finally the woman taking my order responded: “yeah hold on.” and then turned around.

 

YEAH”!! I WOULD hold on!! So many thoughts raced around my head. I can enjoy my meal! Why haven’t I ever asked about this before? What other cilantro-less options have I been missing out on? Should I ask about dairy-free queso too? (negative.) Should I ask about cilantro-less guacamole? (negative.) Should I dye my hair darker? (unrelated but have been toying with for a while so naturally it came up.)

Today was ground-breaking. My burrito bowl was unforgettable, but more importantly, I learned a valuable lesson about knowing what you want and asking for it –

– at least, knowing what you want and asking for it in terms of ordering food at Chipotle. Because when it comes to my dietary restrictions and overall pickiness, asking for alternatives usually results in disappointment and being deemed as high maintenance. So I didn’t really need this lesson because I indeed know what I want and I ask for it constantly to no avail. But in this specific instance, at Chipotle, in the form of relatively decent rice, lesson learned!!!!

Sans cilantro, my burrito bowl was less bad but not necessarily any better, so I’d still rate Chipotle around the same as before today. But I digress.

Lots of Love Lost

The world is kind of terrible right now. This is far from a political blog post, however. I haven’t written a blog in quite a while (which for many of you is hard enough to deal with without the added culture of modern America) and I feel called to discuss something that happened today. Something that saddens me to my very core.

Today, Tinder failed us.

Now, I’m not a huge proponent of this particular online dating app. Don’t get me wrong, I – like every person alive – have downloaded this app out of boredom, and then deleted it out of self-disgust, and then re-downloaded it for girls night entertainment, and then re-deleted it out of self-disgust. But I’m fully aware that it’s creepy and not as good as Bumble.

However, several people near and dear to my heart have actually filtered through the creeps and discovered some actual prospects (as far as they know. It’s still the Internet after all).

But today, Tinder crashed. It was down for a while and then came back. But, to my friends’ dismay, it erased every. single. pre-existing. match.

All those prospects, all those potential soulmates, all those clever dudes who threw out totally appropriate and flattering pickup lines (nah I’m kidding). Gone forever.

One of my friends lost out on an Australian gentleman who promised to teach her how to surf one day.

Another of my pals missed out on a Cher impersonator who speaks 4 languages and proposed a skydiving date.

I, myself, lost my opportunity to get drinks with a “Hollywood actor” (listed as occupation) who is “very wealthy” (told me that himself) and “not a fake account” (I just assumed this). Soulmate material. Erased forever.

I know what you’re thinking (mom), but meeting someone in real life is not a realistic thing that might happen. The bottom line is this: we had all found our husbands. And now the dream of happiness and a lifetime of love has been squashed. And there is nothing we can do about it.

Thanks a lot, Tinder. Thanks for ruining our lives.

*editor’s note: as soon as I posted this, all the lost matches were brought back. False alarm.

Ballad of Pokémon Go

These days when I see others glued to their phone,

I cannot help but let out a groan.

For I know they’re not texting and nor are they tweeting,

Because I am sure it’s Pokémon Go they are beating.

 

Everywhere I am, everyone I see,

Every place to which I journey, these creatures follows me.

A Ratatta here. A Pidgey over there.

Or perhaps a Zapdos, which is evidently more rare.

 

I can’t help but wonder, when people look my way,

Are they truly seeing me or simply hunting their prey.

Youths dart in front of my car, shouting “gotta catch ‘em all!”

Just be aware that next time, I will run over y’all.

 

Some people question why I abstain,

Well, give me a moment to explain all the pain:

When I was a child, my brothers laughed and smiled,

Pokémon on their gameboys got them all riled.

They traded those damn cards for hours each day,

But alas, they never once allowed me to play.

 

And now I am bitter; I’m filled with disdain.

And because I’m no quitter, I’ll never cease to complain.

 

And so I refuse to jump on this trend,

And I pray that eventually it will come to an end.

However it does not seem to be slowing,

Sadly the popularity is growing and growing.

 

So I suppose for now I will tolerate the game,

And maybe my sanity I shall begin to reclaim.

As the world quickly shifts to a new status quo

Encompassing all that is Pokémon Go.