The Bachelor Premiere; Part 2

If you made it through Part 1, congrats!! You’ve earned Part 2! And if you didn’t read my last post and instead just skipped to this one, yeah that’s fair.


After a full hour of watch parties, Colton is finally meeting the ladies. Objective statements below:

First up, Demi from Texas. Colton comments on the unique yellow color of her yellow dress. He is reminded of the sun which is also yellow. And yellow crayons which are also yellow.

Tayshia is nervous but at least she doesn’t point that out. She only points out that Colton is nervous. And then admits that she’s nervous. Why is this a summary of every conversation I’ve ever had.

Heather has never been kissed but didn’t bring it up immediately? I had higher hopes for you Heather.

Sydney tells Colton she quit her job to meet him and he could not care any less at all.

Cassie whips out – dead? – butterflies. Colton puts one in his pocket after she walks away. I grow worried by all of this.

Caitlin pops a cherry balloon and Colton says he thought it was an apple. It was 100% an apple.

Nicole says bringing up Colton’s virginity is too personal. It is clear to me now that Nicole does not possess a television or smart phone.

The sloth bit takes up as much time as the watch parties segment of this premiere. Colton doesn’t appreciate this bit until later when he discovers the sloth is hot. Hot but genuinely annoying.

One girl notes that dressing as a sloth is silly because “what are you gonna tell your grandchildren?” None of you will have to worry about grandchildren as you are on the Bachelor.

Colton can’t pronounce Onyeka’s name. Like, she breaks it down syllable by syllable and he can’t say it. I’m gonna pause the show and run a few stress laps around the neighborhood.

I’m back. Colton guesses Hannah is from Arkansas – probably because Tia also had an accent and is from Arkansas. Give him a break though, after all he was impressed by the color yellow.

Texas Demi asks Hannah where she’s from with the undertone of how dare you have a stronger accent than me and replies “AWWWWWW” when Hannah says Alabama. Love this rivalry.

Oh the 2 beauty queens know each other. Love THIS rivalry.

A few girls speak various languages to Colton and his expression gets blanker and blanker until what’s left of his personality completely vanishes.

Bri pretends to be Australian. This moment was the reason I watched the premiere. Spoiler alert: we never hear from Bri again or see them together at all.

Catherine (who claims to be 26 but is actually 42) brings a really cute dog + the drama. Immediately hands off the dog to Colton and takes the drama inside.

One girl mentions having a pomapoo. Do yourself a favor and google image pomapoo’s.

The Georgia peach girl is worried about being known as “the crazy peach girl” and I feel I should assure her that we don’t even remember that bit.

Chris Harrison himself says Bri sparked a lot of conversation and STILL we see nothing else about her. Missed opportunity. Give Bri a spinoff.


Colton gives a longwinded speech about falling in love. Says his wife might be in the room. Everyone gently laughs except Sydney who literally quit her job to come here.

Everyone seems shocked and offended that Demi dared to grab Colton to chat. I guess they assumed it would be a group hangout from here on out.

Demi points out that she is pretty. He agrees even though it was not a question.

Hannah G. and Colton breathe together and this wins her the first impression rose.

Colton makes out with Miss North Carolina after establishing they are both very young but “as mature as a 30-year-old.” Quite a feat.

Catherine insults everyone in her first interview and talks to Colton 4 different times about nothing. She is the villain and we need her.


SHOCKINGLY enough, Catherine gets the final rose and it’s broad daylight outside by the end of this damn premiere. See y’all next Monday!

How I Almost Destroyed Love

Upon boarding my flight back to LA yesterday, I contently plopped down in my window seat, stuck my earbuds in and prepared for a lovely return home. To my dismay, a lady and a dude approached me from the aisle. The woman nervously asked, “excuse me, I’m so sorry to ask this, but do you mind switching seats with my fiancé so we can sit together? He’s 2 rows up in an aisle seat.”

Come ON. Not only do I hate the aisle, I also hate spontaneity. I’m a creature of habit, and I need plenty of mental prep before my plans are altered. I can’t help but laugh when people tell me to “go with the flow.” I’ll go with the flow once I have the exact location of the flow, the time at which I’ll be going to and returning from the flow, and the names of each and every other person who will also be attending the flow.

But anyways, this plane had two seats per side rather than three, so my switching with her fiancé was the only way they would be able to sit together. Cool.

Before answering, I instantly crafted two scenarios in my mind. You may find them below:


If I say no:

I potentially destroy a relationship. I mean who knows? This could have been a last-attempt 1-on-1 romantic excursion meant to save the relationship, but they ignored that elephant in the room for the whole trip and this flight home is their final opportunity to dive into the issues. Do I want to be responsible for breaking off this engagement? Do I want both of these heart breaks on my conscience forever?

And when they inevitably tell this story in the future to their friends and family, will they dismiss all other factors leading up to the end and instead lay the heap of blame on me, the heartless bitch who wouldn’t trade seats?

Or, perhaps, this story will be told to their respective lasting partners and my role will be symbolic of fate: solidifying the fact that they should not be together. I single-handedly (a.k.a. indirectly and solely due to many, many external forces) led each of them to the true loves of their lives.

But, for the purpose of drama (the only purpose that matters), let’s assume my saying no ultimately leads to their downfall as a couple. Aside from future implications of my decision to not switch seats, the immediate result is much worse. Because, awkward. Just, how incredibly awkward.

I would be sitting, in silence, next to a woman who is not only upset about the state of her relationship, but is now also annoyed and offended that she can’t even talk to him about it. And I’m the reason. Because I booked my flight first. Has “finders keepers” lost all significance in the world of transportation? I wanted a window seat. I got myself a window seat. That’s how you get shit done in this world.

If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that you have to wholeheartedly, boundlessly go for what you want. Now, I haven’t yet accomplished that in Hollywood, but I sure as hell did that when booking this flight. I knew what I wanted and I wholeheartedly, boundlessly clicked “window seat.” And I probably did it before these dysfunctional lovers even turned on their computer.

And now I’m being punished with hushed anger and cold, pointed judgment from all the other passengers who were watching the situation unfold.

Well, fine. FINE. Go ahead and hate me. Hate me for proceeding with my business as I planned. See if I care. You can be angry all you want, but that won’t stop me from getting up and crawling over you to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Even if I don’t have to go. Especially if I don’t have to go. You want to pick a battle? You’ve got yourself a war, lady.



If I say yes:

I would kindly agree to let him sit in my window seat. I gather my things, smiling all the while, and relocate to his aisle seat. I sit down, turn to my left, and lock eyes with the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. We instantly begin chatting, connecting on every level. By the end of the flight, there’s no doubt in our minds that we were destined to be seatmates on this flight. As soon as we land, Harry (the man is Prince Harry if that hadn’t been clear before) drops to his knees and proposes. I shout “YES” over and over as the passengers and crew applaud, overwhelmed with emotion. We become best friends with the couple whose relationship I just saved (they name their first child after me), and the four of us live happily ever after in Harry’s beachside palace.


What really happened:

I said yes because it was a little awkward and I’m a relatively nice person, moved over to his aisle seat and promptly fell asleep until we landed. Least eventful flight I’ve ever had.