Comeback

I know it’s been a while since I last posted. I am truly sorry to have left you stranded out here without any meaningful content from me. However, I would also like to point out that you had a part in this as you have left me feeling uninspired with nothing to satirize. Amidst the current political climate and chaos that is our country, I’ll admit I’ve been a tad too disheartened and nervous to release any attempts at humor. Pair that with laziness and bam, blogless. But we need comedy now more than ever because if you’re laughing you cannot be crying. Although it isn’t unheard of to cry from laughter at my writing. It is that powerful. Joke #1, check! I’m not saying I need constant positive affirmation but I also wouldn’t hate it and I do need it. That said, once you finish reading this, do go find some comedy.

I wanted to do something slightly different with this comeback post. Is it a comeback if it hasn’t been that long and no one has asked for it back? At the risk of sounding desperate, don’t abandon me yet. This particular blog post is an inside look into the inner workings of my mind while writing a blog post. (**UPDATE upon completing this post, I must let you know that it took a turn toward the end and it is no longer about what I just said it’s about. Full transparency, check! OK CONTINUE**) Often I gift people with things they did not want/ask for. I invite you to peer in and observe what goes through my head while I write. What a terrifying invitation. But writing is really re-writing, right? Write? Wright? Occasionally I repeat words in my head in all their, there, they’re various forms. Mark of a genius? You tell me.

Transition. So back to my point. I have relied on current TV shows to be my source of inspiration. Whenever I watch a new show or movie, I immediately become angry because I have thought up its exact plot and I wonder why I didn’t just write it down? To be fair, that is actually true for maybe 1 show or movie I’ve ever seen, (it was “No Strings Attached” and if you didn’t come up with that plot before the movie came out, I don’t trust you) but I think it every single time. Like, Katie, you wrote, directed and produced this movie and/or show a thousand times and you’re not making any sort of back-end off your ideas. WRITE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS DUMBASS. But then I do write down my thoughts and these are them.. Update – financial situation remains unchanged.

I am going to share my possibly controversial opinions of the most recent shows I’ve seen. If you’re thinking I didn’t ask for this, well I didn’t ask for an energizingly sunny disposition either but I am burdened by it every single day. Let’s start off strong: Pretty Little Mamas on MTV. This show is a classic. Well it was a classic. Until it disappeared. I am confused and hurt and I need answers as to why MTV is trying to pretend the show never existed. They deleted both current episodes and then quietly added them back without explanations as to why the next episode didn’t air when it was supposed to. I can’t even turn to Instagram – the universal go-to in times of reality TV crises – because everyone involved went silent. I feel betrayed, especially since The Bachelor won’t be back until 2019 and this season will be an uneventful chore to watch anyway, so I have this gaping, reality TV-sized hole in my heart and I don’t know what to do.

I did not realize how emotionally torn up I was until I began the previous paragraph, and I feel that I must end the post here. However, since I did say “…opinions of the most recent shows (plural)…” I’ll mention a few others. I just started watching Westworld and honestly it’s fine. Calm down. I prefer You’re The Worst and I would’ve liked another season of Great News. I understand that these shows are not related nor should they be grouped in an impression as if they are. Hey, that’s a thought/the inner workings of my mind. I guess I was right about the intention of this post! Moral of the story: I’m always right, regardless of context.

Santa Clauspiracy

What a beautiful day today was! Walking around in the sunshine wearing shorts, sandals & sunglasses brought a smile to my face and, naturally, led me to contemplate the outrageous underlying themes of Christmas movies.

Let me preface by encouraging any young readers to stop reading this and instead reach for a different (but of similar quality) piece of literature like Shakespeare. Or Cosmo. And here’s a second preface: this is not a debate regarding Santa Claus’s existence. He proved his presence once and for all last year when he got me Kendra Scott earrings even though I never told anyone that that’s what I wanted. No one would just assume a sorority girl in her 20’s would want Kendra’s. Shout out to you, Santa.
 
 
Christmas movies are the bomb. They’re full of lovable characters you proudly root for, grouchy characters you willingly root against and timeless themes that get you through the stress of the holidays. But almost all Christmas movies share a similar plot element that just irritates me to my core.

The parents never believe in Santa Claus.

Now here’s the thing, in the real, non-movie world in which you and I reside, parents don’t believe in Santa because, well, ya know. But in the fictitious, magical world of Hollywood, Santa exists…in every Christmas movie. That fact is sometimes just a minor detail – an assumed standard. But other times, the existence of Santa is revealed to non-believers toward the end of a movie as part of the climax. And that is what sends me over the edge.
 
How do the parents not believe in Santa? No but really, how? It would be like your mom not believing the waiters in restaurants are real. “Yeah, I see that there is now a plate of food in front of me, but my husband probably made that happen without my knowledge and I will blindly accept that and not question it further.”

 

Their daughter opens a gift that neither parent has purchased. Who does Mom and Dad think put that there? If the unfamiliar wrapping paper wasn’t the first clue, the never-before-seen toy in their daughter’s lap should raise some flags. Does Mom think Dad must have bought the toy? Does Dad assume Mom threw it under the tree last-minute? And why don’t they discuss it later?

And what about the cookies? Who eats them? Is there no communication at all between Mom and Dad during Christmas? Perhaps these couples should delve further into some deeper issues following this holiday season.

Maybe we should backtrack to the parents’ childhood. In this land where Santa has always existed, wouldn’t the parents have received gifts as children and so be familiar with the process? Were all Christmas-movie-parents on the Naughty List and therefore never received presents?

 
 

I guess the subtle lesson here is to let your parents think you believe in Santa as long as you can. I can tell you from experience that the day you admit you know there’s no Santa is the day you start receiving half as many gifts. So keep that in mind this December. Enjoy the rest of your April!