The Bachelor Premiere; Part 1

Hi all. By the time last night’s 28-hour premiere ended, you probably forgot what happened. And that is a good thing. I’m here to recap it for you so we can relive it together.

Quick thought before we dive in: if Colton weren’t a virgin, this premiere would’ve been a crisp 25 minutes.

We’ve got a few watch parties to bounce between in the nation’s top 4 trendiest cities: Los Angeles, Dallas, Park City, Utah and of course Lansing, Michigan.

Kaitlyn and Jojo are in Dallas screaming at us. Ashley I and Jared are in Utah screaming at us. Jason and Blake are screaming at us in the most popular town for destination weddings, Lansing, Michigan. Blake is so cringey I watched theirs on mute.

Crystal and God-I-literally-vomit-every-time-I-hear-this-nickname Goose are in a hot tub in a parking lot. This segment does not warrant further details or opinions.


Chris Harrison begs viewers to like an Instagram photo to “unlock secret never-before-seen footage” aka a tribute…to Chris Harrison. Truly so much respect. If I had that platform, I would absolutely pressure viewers into thinking it was their choice to sit through several minutes of a younger, hotter me.

Finally getting footage of a few of the chicks. I shall judge them all below:

  • Quick boob/face shot of Cassie. Attractive, perfect teeth, sexy vanilla beach lover who works with children. The female Colton. Shall we end it here?
  • Hannah from Bama. Note the dimple + accent combined with her referring to being a beauty queen as “serving her state.” Quick fast-forward.
  • Katie from the East Coast. Seems legit, but you’re a medical sales rep like why are we watching you dance. Flash them dolla bills girl.
  • Heather who has never been kissed. I am absolutely lost for words as to why they chose a virgin. What ever will her storyline be???
  • Onyekachukwu from Dallas. Her parents dated for 2 weeks before getting engaged, so that hometown should be a breeze.
  • Nicole from Miami says it’s hard for single people in Miami who are “relatively attractive.” This is a bummer because if Nicole from Miami is “relatively attractive” then I am the dirt on the ground.
  • Kirpa has perfect eyebrows and a cute dog. Kirpa is my 2019 goals.
  • Demi from Texas. Perfect, slightly crazy, country Barbie doll whose mom is in prison for white-collar crime. I’d watch that show.

Now we get to see Colton shower and then work out and then work out and then shower, all while he discusses his awkward teen years to garner sympathy and denote relatability. Ok but weren’t you in the NFL.

Chris tells Colton “you were a controversial choice.” Meaning Jason, Blake, Chris Harrison himself, probably Nick Viall again and several others said no to the gig.

Oh and then we watch him shower again. Yet somehow I’m losing steam.

We see a collection of terrified children – the products of a few successful Bachelor couples. Who are most of these people and isn’t this what Instagram is for?

Back to the watch parties (against our collective will). A random dude proposes to a girl as I dig deep within myself to find a reason to care.

HOUR 2. The girls finally arrive at the mansion. I am exhausted as this first hour has felt like an eternity and this will have to be a separate post.


The Bachelor Trailer: First Impressions

I needed a distraction from the news. So I watched The Bachelor trailer. Below are my initial thoughts. But let me first preface with how amazed I am at my own ability to remain consistent and objective. I have steadily maintained that Colton is the most annoying and most beautiful man in the Bachelor franchise. Well, obviously not the most annoying because that’s Juan Pablo. And not the most beautiful because that’s Peter. But, aside from me immediately contradicting my own opinion, I’m very consistent. Enjoy my thoughts below.

Oh and here’s the trailer in case you’d like to watch along with my inner dialogue:

First 10 seconds of the trailer:

  • Colton is showering on the beach with a whole ocean chillin’ behind him; blatant waste of water.
  • The first episode must just be footage of him showering with the girls’ commentary in the background; I tried to sell a show like that years ago and was told to “stop yelling and get down off the table.”
  • I have never been so irritated by a Bachelor so quickly; even Arie waited until like, the second episode to annoy me.

Next 10 seconds:

  • He’s now working out despite having just showered, which means he’s going to have to take another shower. Meet Colton: the environment-hating virgin.
  • Speaking of, ABC finally reminded us that he’s a virgin. Took them like 20 whole seconds. Impressed with their restraint.

Next 10 seconds:

  • Both Chris Harrison’s observation and the blonde girl’s rhetorical question seem a little threatening.
  • There are 4 of the same blonde girl; I shall call her Lauren B.
  • Lauren B. 1 is yelling at Lauren B. 3 for “scaring” Colton, even though it was Lauren B. 2 who asked the above referenced rhetorical question.
  • Lauren B. 4 is justifiably angry at someone for talking sh*t about her to Colton; my money’s on Lauren B. 2 as the sh*t starter of the season.

I’ve lost track of the time:

  • Lauren B. 5 chimes in that this is hard for her (update: 5 of the same blonde girl)
  • Is it just me or is the girl saying “I can’t accept your proposal” already in a wedding dress? I’m intrigued.
  • My all-time FAVE part of this trailer is at 1:18 – the soundbite they chose to pair with Colton jumping over a fence is the reason I will watch this season.
  • Lauren B. 8 gets the final word. Lauren B. 8 will also get the first impression rose.

And, naturally, the trailer ends with Colton’s silhouette awkwardly gazing (why did he choose to stand like that) out onto the ocean, most likely contemplating how many more showers he’ll take that day. I hate myself but I can’t wait to tune in in January!!!!!