The Bachelor Premiere; Part 1

Hi all. By the time last night’s 28-hour premiere ended, you probably forgot what happened. And that is a good thing. I’m here to recap it for you so we can relive it together.

Quick thought before we dive in: if Colton weren’t a virgin, this premiere would’ve been a crisp 25 minutes.

We’ve got a few watch parties to bounce between in the nation’s top 4 trendiest cities: Los Angeles, Dallas, Park City, Utah and of course Lansing, Michigan.

Kaitlyn and Jojo are in Dallas screaming at us. Ashley I and Jared are in Utah screaming at us. Jason and Blake are screaming at us in the most popular town for destination weddings, Lansing, Michigan. Blake is so cringey I watched theirs on mute.

Crystal and God-I-literally-vomit-every-time-I-hear-this-nickname Goose are in a hot tub in a parking lot. This segment does not warrant further details or opinions.

 

Chris Harrison begs viewers to like an Instagram photo to “unlock secret never-before-seen footage” aka a tribute…to Chris Harrison. Truly so much respect. If I had that platform, I would absolutely pressure viewers into thinking it was their choice to sit through several minutes of a younger, hotter me.

Finally getting footage of a few of the chicks. I shall judge them all below:

  • Quick boob/face shot of Cassie. Attractive, perfect teeth, sexy vanilla beach lover who works with children. The female Colton. Shall we end it here?
  • Hannah from Bama. Note the dimple + accent combined with her referring to being a beauty queen as “serving her state.” Quick fast-forward.
  • Katie from the East Coast. Seems legit, but you’re a medical sales rep like why are we watching you dance. Flash them dolla bills girl.
  • Heather who has never been kissed. I am absolutely lost for words as to why they chose a virgin. What ever will her storyline be???
  • Onyekachukwu from Dallas. Her parents dated for 2 weeks before getting engaged, so that hometown should be a breeze.
  • Nicole from Miami says it’s hard for single people in Miami who are “relatively attractive.” This is a bummer because if Nicole from Miami is “relatively attractive” then I am the dirt on the ground.
  • Kirpa has perfect eyebrows and a cute dog. Kirpa is my 2019 goals.
  • Demi from Texas. Perfect, slightly crazy, country Barbie doll whose mom is in prison for white-collar crime. I’d watch that show.

Now we get to see Colton shower and then work out and then work out and then shower, all while he discusses his awkward teen years to garner sympathy and denote relatability. Ok but weren’t you in the NFL.

Chris tells Colton “you were a controversial choice.” Meaning Jason, Blake, Chris Harrison himself, probably Nick Viall again and several others said no to the gig.

Oh and then we watch him shower again. Yet somehow I’m losing steam.

We see a collection of terrified children – the products of a few successful Bachelor couples. Who are most of these people and isn’t this what Instagram is for?

Back to the watch parties (against our collective will). A random dude proposes to a girl as I dig deep within myself to find a reason to care.

HOUR 2. The girls finally arrive at the mansion. I am exhausted as this first hour has felt like an eternity and this will have to be a separate post.

 

The Bachelor Trailer: First Impressions

I needed a distraction from the news. So I watched The Bachelor trailer. Below are my initial thoughts. But let me first preface with how amazed I am at my own ability to remain consistent and objective. I have steadily maintained that Colton is the most annoying and most beautiful man in the Bachelor franchise. Well, obviously not the most annoying because that’s Juan Pablo. And not the most beautiful because that’s Peter. But, aside from me immediately contradicting my own opinion, I’m very consistent. Enjoy my thoughts below.

Oh and here’s the trailer in case you’d like to watch along with my inner dialogue:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UszL09X2kMs

First 10 seconds of the trailer:

  • Colton is showering on the beach with a whole ocean chillin’ behind him; blatant waste of water.
  • The first episode must just be footage of him showering with the girls’ commentary in the background; I tried to sell a show like that years ago and was told to “stop yelling and get down off the table.”
  • I have never been so irritated by a Bachelor so quickly; even Arie waited until like, the second episode to annoy me.

Next 10 seconds:

  • He’s now working out despite having just showered, which means he’s going to have to take another shower. Meet Colton: the environment-hating virgin.
  • Speaking of, ABC finally reminded us that he’s a virgin. Took them like 20 whole seconds. Impressed with their restraint.

Next 10 seconds:

  • Both Chris Harrison’s observation and the blonde girl’s rhetorical question seem a little threatening.
  • There are 4 of the same blonde girl; I shall call her Lauren B.
  • Lauren B. 1 is yelling at Lauren B. 3 for “scaring” Colton, even though it was Lauren B. 2 who asked the above referenced rhetorical question.
  • Lauren B. 4 is justifiably angry at someone for talking sh*t about her to Colton; my money’s on Lauren B. 2 as the sh*t starter of the season.

I’ve lost track of the time:

  • Lauren B. 5 chimes in that this is hard for her (update: 5 of the same blonde girl)
  • Is it just me or is the girl saying “I can’t accept your proposal” already in a wedding dress? I’m intrigued.
  • My all-time FAVE part of this trailer is at 1:18 – the soundbite they chose to pair with Colton jumping over a fence is the reason I will watch this season.
  • Lauren B. 8 gets the final word. Lauren B. 8 will also get the first impression rose.

And, naturally, the trailer ends with Colton’s silhouette awkwardly gazing (why did he choose to stand like that) out onto the ocean, most likely contemplating how many more showers he’ll take that day. I hate myself but I can’t wait to tune in in January!!!!!

The Real Bachelor

I watched the Bachelor last night and cried alongside the rest of America. I had JoJo going all the way from Day 1. I always pick the girl with the best eyebrows, and this was the first time I’ve been wrong. (Not just about this, but ever.) I’m also really happy for Ben’s new fiancé, Lauren B. She’s unrealistically beautiful, and all beautiful people deserve to find love. There are far too many single, perfect, tiny, blonde women walking around out there on long, tan legs; it breaks my heart.

 

But despite the dramatic heartbreak and all the love, the best part of the finale last night was the arrival and constant presence of Bachelor Ben’s pastor. He was introduced early on during the live show and briefly appeared before and after each commercial break. It was a nice reminder that some things in life will always be there. Whether or not the Ben in your life wants to marry you, you can be sure that his pastor will be standing by, just in case.

Pastor Dan (I don’t remember if they ever said his name, so I made up one for him) was so patient, waiting for Ben to make up his mind. We all rejoiced alongside Pastor Dan when Ben ignored both logic and emotion and instead made his decision by looking at a piece of jewelry. We were not rejoicing because of whom he chose, but rather we were rejoicing at the fact that he finally made a damn decision after like 45 minutes of “I’m in love with two women and I don’t know what to do.” We understand that you’re torn, Ben, but we have laundry to do and food to eat and we don’t have time to sit around and watch you say the same thing over and over. I would’ve rather watched more footage of Pastor Dan reading his Bible in the corner.

You may be thinking well, Katie, an easy solution would have been to turn off the Bachelor and do your laundry and eat your food. And to that I say: I don’t like choosing the easy path. People who change the world don’t do so by choosing what’s easy, readers. And for the record, I ate my food during the show. Dairy-free Ben & Jerry’s – my own personal Bachelor Ben(& Jerry’s).

In order to keep viewership high throughout the finale, Chris Harrison teased of the first ever on-air marriage ceremony to happen at the end: hence, Pastor Dan’s purpose. Although we all know Ben well enough to assume that he is not shallow enough to get married on television – even though he fell in love (twice) and proposed (twice) on television – a shameful part of us hoped a wedding would happen so that Pastor Dan would actually get to speak. This shameful part of us is the same one that led us to the Bachelor franchise in the first place.

All season long, it was all about Ben’s destiny. We tuned in weekly to watch our beloved bachelor date women who were so uncompromisingly not us. But as soon as America met Pastor Dan, the tables turned. It became all about Pastor Dan’s destiny: would he get to marry Ben and some woman? Would he finally get to sit down? Would we get to hear what his voice sounds like? Does he have a voice? Does he have a name? My heart raced with each new Dan-related question until finally, his destiny was revealed.

Ben and Lauren turned down the on-air ceremony opportunity. They crushed Chris Harrison’s hopes, they crushed Dan’s one job, they crushed America.

 

Frankly, it’ll take a while to overcome the pain I felt at the refusal of Pastor Dan’s participation, and I can only hope he shows up again on another reality show. I think the Kardashians may actually need him. But just remember, relationships may come and go, but Pastor Dan will always be there, standing, waiting, reading his Bible alone, pretending all of this is real.