I needed a distraction from the news. So I watched The Bachelor trailer. Below are my initial thoughts. But let me first preface with how amazed I am at my own ability to remain consistent and objective. I have steadily maintained that Colton is the most annoying and most beautiful man in the Bachelor franchise. Well, obviously not the most annoying because that’s Juan Pablo. And not the most beautiful because that’s Peter. But, aside from me immediately contradicting my own opinion, I’m very consistent. Enjoy my thoughts below.
Oh and here’s the trailer in case you’d like to watch along with my inner dialogue:
First 10 seconds of the trailer:
- Colton is showering on the beach with a whole ocean chillin’ behind him; blatant waste of water.
- The first episode must just be footage of him showering with the girls’ commentary in the background; I tried to sell a show like that years ago and was told to “stop yelling and get down off the table.”
- I have never been so irritated by a Bachelor so quickly; even Arie waited until like, the second episode to annoy me.
Next 10 seconds:
- He’s now working out despite having just showered, which means he’s going to have to take another shower. Meet Colton: the environment-hating virgin.
- Speaking of, ABC finally reminded us that he’s a virgin. Took them like 20 whole seconds. Impressed with their restraint.
Next 10 seconds:
- Both Chris Harrison’s observation and the blonde girl’s rhetorical question seem a little threatening.
- There are 4 of the same blonde girl; I shall call her Lauren B.
- Lauren B. 1 is yelling at Lauren B. 3 for “scaring” Colton, even though it was Lauren B. 2 who asked the above referenced rhetorical question.
- Lauren B. 4 is justifiably angry at someone for talking sh*t about her to Colton; my money’s on Lauren B. 2 as the sh*t starter of the season.
I’ve lost track of the time:
- Lauren B. 5 chimes in that this is hard for her (update: 5 of the same blonde girl)
- Is it just me or is the girl saying “I can’t accept your proposal” already in a wedding dress? I’m intrigued.
- My all-time FAVE part of this trailer is at 1:18 – the soundbite they chose to pair with Colton jumping over a fence is the reason I will watch this season.
- Lauren B. 8 gets the final word. Lauren B. 8 will also get the first impression rose.
And, naturally, the trailer ends with Colton’s silhouette awkwardly gazing (why did he choose to stand like that) out onto the ocean, most likely contemplating how many more showers he’ll take that day. I hate myself but I can’t wait to tune in in January!!!!!