Hi all. By the time last night’s 28-hour premiere ended, you probably forgot what happened. And that is a good thing. I’m here to recap it for you so we can relive it together.
Quick thought before we dive in: if Colton weren’t a virgin, this premiere would’ve been a crisp 25 minutes.
We’ve got a few watch parties to bounce between in the nation’s top 4 trendiest cities: Los Angeles, Dallas, Park City, Utah and of course Lansing, Michigan.
Kaitlyn and Jojo are in Dallas screaming at us. Ashley I and Jared are in Utah screaming at us. Jason and Blake are screaming at us in the most popular town for destination weddings, Lansing, Michigan. Blake is so cringey I watched theirs on mute.
Crystal and God-I-literally-vomit-every-time-I-hear-this-nickname Goose are in a hot tub in a parking lot. This segment does not warrant further details or opinions.
Chris Harrison begs viewers to like an Instagram photo to “unlock secret never-before-seen footage” aka a tribute…to Chris Harrison. Truly so much respect. If I had that platform, I would absolutely pressure viewers into thinking it was their choice to sit through several minutes of a younger, hotter me.
Finally getting footage of a few of the chicks. I shall judge them all below:
- Quick boob/face shot of Cassie. Attractive, perfect teeth, sexy vanilla beach lover who works with children. The female Colton. Shall we end it here?
- Hannah from Bama. Note the dimple + accent combined with her referring to being a beauty queen as “serving her state.” Quick fast-forward.
- Katie from the East Coast. Seems legit, but you’re a medical sales rep like why are we watching you dance. Flash them dolla bills girl.
- Heather who has never been kissed. I am absolutely lost for words as to why they chose a virgin. What ever will her storyline be???
- Onyekachukwu from Dallas. Her parents dated for 2 weeks before getting engaged, so that hometown should be a breeze.
- Nicole from Miami says it’s hard for single people in Miami who are “relatively attractive.” This is a bummer because if Nicole from Miami is “relatively attractive” then I am the dirt on the ground.
- Kirpa has perfect eyebrows and a cute dog. Kirpa is my 2019 goals.
- Demi from Texas. Perfect, slightly crazy, country Barbie doll whose mom is in prison for white-collar crime. I’d watch that show.
Now we get to see Colton shower and then work out and then work out and then shower, all while he discusses his awkward teen years to garner sympathy and denote relatability. Ok but weren’t you in the NFL.
Chris tells Colton “you were a controversial choice.” Meaning Jason, Blake, Chris Harrison himself, probably Nick Viall again and several others said no to the gig.
Oh and then we watch him shower again. Yet somehow I’m losing steam.
We see a collection of terrified children – the products of a few successful Bachelor couples. Who are most of these people and isn’t this what Instagram is for?
Back to the watch parties (against our collective will). A random dude proposes to a girl as I dig deep within myself to find a reason to care.
HOUR 2. The girls finally arrive at the mansion. I am exhausted as this first hour has felt like an eternity and this will have to be a separate post.