The Bachelor Premiere; Part 1

Hi all. By the time last night’s 28-hour premiere ended, you probably forgot what happened. And that is a good thing. I’m here to recap it for you so we can relive it together.

Quick thought before we dive in: if Colton weren’t a virgin, this premiere would’ve been a crisp 25 minutes.

We’ve got a few watch parties to bounce between in the nation’s top 4 trendiest cities: Los Angeles, Dallas, Park City, Utah and of course Lansing, Michigan.

Kaitlyn and Jojo are in Dallas screaming at us. Ashley I and Jared are in Utah screaming at us. Jason and Blake are screaming at us in the most popular town for destination weddings, Lansing, Michigan. Blake is so cringey I watched theirs on mute.

Crystal and God-I-literally-vomit-every-time-I-hear-this-nickname Goose are in a hot tub in a parking lot. This segment does not warrant further details or opinions.

 

Chris Harrison begs viewers to like an Instagram photo to “unlock secret never-before-seen footage” aka a tribute…to Chris Harrison. Truly so much respect. If I had that platform, I would absolutely pressure viewers into thinking it was their choice to sit through several minutes of a younger, hotter me.

Finally getting footage of a few of the chicks. I shall judge them all below:

  • Quick boob/face shot of Cassie. Attractive, perfect teeth, sexy vanilla beach lover who works with children. The female Colton. Shall we end it here?
  • Hannah from Bama. Note the dimple + accent combined with her referring to being a beauty queen as “serving her state.” Quick fast-forward.
  • Katie from the East Coast. Seems legit, but you’re a medical sales rep like why are we watching you dance. Flash them dolla bills girl.
  • Heather who has never been kissed. I am absolutely lost for words as to why they chose a virgin. What ever will her storyline be???
  • Onyekachukwu from Dallas. Her parents dated for 2 weeks before getting engaged, so that hometown should be a breeze.
  • Nicole from Miami says it’s hard for single people in Miami who are “relatively attractive.” This is a bummer because if Nicole from Miami is “relatively attractive” then I am the dirt on the ground.
  • Kirpa has perfect eyebrows and a cute dog. Kirpa is my 2019 goals.
  • Demi from Texas. Perfect, slightly crazy, country Barbie doll whose mom is in prison for white-collar crime. I’d watch that show.

Now we get to see Colton shower and then work out and then work out and then shower, all while he discusses his awkward teen years to garner sympathy and denote relatability. Ok but weren’t you in the NFL.

Chris tells Colton “you were a controversial choice.” Meaning Jason, Blake, Chris Harrison himself, probably Nick Viall again and several others said no to the gig.

Oh and then we watch him shower again. Yet somehow I’m losing steam.

We see a collection of terrified children – the products of a few successful Bachelor couples. Who are most of these people and isn’t this what Instagram is for?

Back to the watch parties (against our collective will). A random dude proposes to a girl as I dig deep within myself to find a reason to care.

HOUR 2. The girls finally arrive at the mansion. I am exhausted as this first hour has felt like an eternity and this will have to be a separate post.

 

Farewell to da Wack

Here’s to you Wacotown. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your quirks and your charm. As I prepare to bid you adieu, I reflect back on my time here and feel the need to mention a few things you offered me that can never be replaced.

So, here are just a few things I’ll miss about Waco, Texas:

 

  • Pulling up to the Schlotzsky’s drive-thru and only needing to say “hey” before I hear “hi Katie. We saw you drive up. Your order is ready.”

 

  • Coming up with a solid team name, yet still somehow getting dead last at True Love trivia night. Because everyone else cheats. Probably.

 

  • Also serenading the crowds at True Love karaoke with my renditions of each and every melodramatic Broadway song I know until there’s not a dry eye in the place. More accurately, I’m by far the most moved by my own performance and no one else is really paying attention. Their loss.

 

  • Asking any restaurant if they have a gluten-free menu and receiving the response: “What the hell is gluten. This is Texas.”
    • All I can say back is “That response doesn’t make any sense, but I respect your disdain.” And then I leave and go to Schlotzsky’s.

 

  • Wearing jeans and a normal shirt instead of nike shorts and being asked what fancy Oscar party I’m attending after class.

 

  • Taco Z.

 

  • Making frenemies in the Sidrich parking lot with the people I battle daily for a coveted parking spot. It’s been a real bonding opportunity.
    • We’ve had our differences, silver Toyota, but in the end, I know we’re just too similar.
    • And here’s to you, black Honda, may you find peace and happiness one day.
    • As for you, red BMW, I do not regret cutting you off that one time. You are an even worse driver than I am. And you have a red car, so you had it coming.

 

  • Seeing people I know at HEB and having those awkward HEB conversations where you don’t want to say too much, because you know you’ll see them in another aisle a few minutes later, and then again at the register.
    • So you stick with clever little quips like “man you buy a lot of toilet paper” or “wow can you believe they raised the price of coconut milk, like what is this, the pre-Industrial Revolution era?”

 

  • Understanding that having brunch at Café Cap means showing up to Café Cap, waiting 6-8 hours outside, and then finally having brunch at Café Cap.

 

  • Observing the Chick-fil-A drive-thru crowd versus those who bravely venture inside Chick-fil-A. Very different crowds. Let me tell you, I’ve tried both and honestly, I’d rather just have food delivered.

 

  • Adding “sic’em” to literally every phrase.
    • “Sic’em the sun, it feels so good outside.”
    • “I bought new toothpaste yesterday, sic’em hygiene.”
    • “I’m super bummed about my last test grade, sic’em marrying rich.” It works in every situation! Sic’em optimism.

 

  • Walking around campus and being very aware that you go to school in a postcard. This one is a little sappy, but give me a break. I’m graduating I get to be sappy. And Baylor is breathtakingly gorgeous. Just like its students. Am I right?

 

I’ll miss so much about Waco. Mainly my friends, but also the city itself. It will always have a special place in my heart. And thanks to Taco Z, my butt and thighs as well. Sic’em Wacky people.