The Bachelor Premiere; Part 2

If you made it through Part 1, congrats!! You’ve earned Part 2! And if you didn’t read my last post and instead just skipped to this one, yeah that’s fair.

 

After a full hour of watch parties, Colton is finally meeting the ladies. Objective statements below:

First up, Demi from Texas. Colton comments on the unique yellow color of her yellow dress. He is reminded of the sun which is also yellow. And yellow crayons which are also yellow.

Tayshia is nervous but at least she doesn’t point that out. She only points out that Colton is nervous. And then admits that she’s nervous. Why is this a summary of every conversation I’ve ever had.

Heather has never been kissed but didn’t bring it up immediately? I had higher hopes for you Heather.

Sydney tells Colton she quit her job to meet him and he could not care any less at all.

Cassie whips out – dead? – butterflies. Colton puts one in his pocket after she walks away. I grow worried by all of this.

Caitlin pops a cherry balloon and Colton says he thought it was an apple. It was 100% an apple.

Nicole says bringing up Colton’s virginity is too personal. It is clear to me now that Nicole does not possess a television or smart phone.

The sloth bit takes up as much time as the watch parties segment of this premiere. Colton doesn’t appreciate this bit until later when he discovers the sloth is hot. Hot but genuinely annoying.

One girl notes that dressing as a sloth is silly because “what are you gonna tell your grandchildren?” None of you will have to worry about grandchildren as you are on the Bachelor.

Colton can’t pronounce Onyeka’s name. Like, she breaks it down syllable by syllable and he can’t say it. I’m gonna pause the show and run a few stress laps around the neighborhood.

I’m back. Colton guesses Hannah is from Arkansas – probably because Tia also had an accent and is from Arkansas. Give him a break though, after all he was impressed by the color yellow.

Texas Demi asks Hannah where she’s from with the undertone of how dare you have a stronger accent than me and replies “AWWWWWW” when Hannah says Alabama. Love this rivalry.

Oh the 2 beauty queens know each other. Love THIS rivalry.

A few girls speak various languages to Colton and his expression gets blanker and blanker until what’s left of his personality completely vanishes.

Bri pretends to be Australian. This moment was the reason I watched the premiere. Spoiler alert: we never hear from Bri again or see them together at all.

Catherine (who claims to be 26 but is actually 42) brings a really cute dog + the drama. Immediately hands off the dog to Colton and takes the drama inside.

One girl mentions having a pomapoo. Do yourself a favor and google image pomapoo’s.

The Georgia peach girl is worried about being known as “the crazy peach girl” and I feel I should assure her that we don’t even remember that bit.

Chris Harrison himself says Bri sparked a lot of conversation and STILL we see nothing else about her. Missed opportunity. Give Bri a spinoff.

 

Colton gives a longwinded speech about falling in love. Says his wife might be in the room. Everyone gently laughs except Sydney who literally quit her job to come here.

Everyone seems shocked and offended that Demi dared to grab Colton to chat. I guess they assumed it would be a group hangout from here on out.

Demi points out that she is pretty. He agrees even though it was not a question.

Hannah G. and Colton breathe together and this wins her the first impression rose.

Colton makes out with Miss North Carolina after establishing they are both very young but “as mature as a 30-year-old.” Quite a feat.

Catherine insults everyone in her first interview and talks to Colton 4 different times about nothing. She is the villain and we need her.

 

SHOCKINGLY enough, Catherine gets the final rose and it’s broad daylight outside by the end of this damn premiere. See y’all next Monday!

The Bachelor Premiere; Part 1

Hi all. By the time last night’s 28-hour premiere ended, you probably forgot what happened. And that is a good thing. I’m here to recap it for you so we can relive it together.

Quick thought before we dive in: if Colton weren’t a virgin, this premiere would’ve been a crisp 25 minutes.

We’ve got a few watch parties to bounce between in the nation’s top 4 trendiest cities: Los Angeles, Dallas, Park City, Utah and of course Lansing, Michigan.

Kaitlyn and Jojo are in Dallas screaming at us. Ashley I and Jared are in Utah screaming at us. Jason and Blake are screaming at us in the most popular town for destination weddings, Lansing, Michigan. Blake is so cringey I watched theirs on mute.

Crystal and God-I-literally-vomit-every-time-I-hear-this-nickname Goose are in a hot tub in a parking lot. This segment does not warrant further details or opinions.

 

Chris Harrison begs viewers to like an Instagram photo to “unlock secret never-before-seen footage” aka a tribute…to Chris Harrison. Truly so much respect. If I had that platform, I would absolutely pressure viewers into thinking it was their choice to sit through several minutes of a younger, hotter me.

Finally getting footage of a few of the chicks. I shall judge them all below:

  • Quick boob/face shot of Cassie. Attractive, perfect teeth, sexy vanilla beach lover who works with children. The female Colton. Shall we end it here?
  • Hannah from Bama. Note the dimple + accent combined with her referring to being a beauty queen as “serving her state.” Quick fast-forward.
  • Katie from the East Coast. Seems legit, but you’re a medical sales rep like why are we watching you dance. Flash them dolla bills girl.
  • Heather who has never been kissed. I am absolutely lost for words as to why they chose a virgin. What ever will her storyline be???
  • Onyekachukwu from Dallas. Her parents dated for 2 weeks before getting engaged, so that hometown should be a breeze.
  • Nicole from Miami says it’s hard for single people in Miami who are “relatively attractive.” This is a bummer because if Nicole from Miami is “relatively attractive” then I am the dirt on the ground.
  • Kirpa has perfect eyebrows and a cute dog. Kirpa is my 2019 goals.
  • Demi from Texas. Perfect, slightly crazy, country Barbie doll whose mom is in prison for white-collar crime. I’d watch that show.

Now we get to see Colton shower and then work out and then work out and then shower, all while he discusses his awkward teen years to garner sympathy and denote relatability. Ok but weren’t you in the NFL.

Chris tells Colton “you were a controversial choice.” Meaning Jason, Blake, Chris Harrison himself, probably Nick Viall again and several others said no to the gig.

Oh and then we watch him shower again. Yet somehow I’m losing steam.

We see a collection of terrified children – the products of a few successful Bachelor couples. Who are most of these people and isn’t this what Instagram is for?

Back to the watch parties (against our collective will). A random dude proposes to a girl as I dig deep within myself to find a reason to care.

HOUR 2. The girls finally arrive at the mansion. I am exhausted as this first hour has felt like an eternity and this will have to be a separate post.