She’s No Phone-y

Hey there readers. It’s been a while. Let me ask you all a question: do you know what a hero looks like? My guess is no.

I’ll tell you what a hero is (“hero” in this case is according to a very specific set of standards).

Tonight, in a humble home in Los Angeles, a tragedy was narrowly avoided. “Tragedy” here is of course held to the same standards as “hero.” This story will be written in third person, heads up. Three beautiful young women were seated outside discussing the day’s events. Oh, have I forgotten to mention an important detail? These beauties were seated right next to… the pool.

The topic of spiders came up. Don’t ask me why because I don’t remember and I don’t care anymore. Too much has happened since for that to matter.

Anyways, Katie (the youngest and most anxious of the bunch) stood up to shake out her cardigan for fear there could be a spider lost in it per a suggestion given by Allie (it’s crucial that I note who suggested this). Suddenly, her phone – which had for some reason remained in her hand for the entirety of the preventative shaking – slipped out and shot into the direction of the pool. As if in slow motion, the phone glided in the air with all the grace and refinement one could expect from a phone gliding through the air.

Watching it sail towards the pool was almost more traumatizing to Katie than the destruction falling in the pool caused. Except that sentence is of course not true.

Once the phone was fully submerged, Katie and Kylie stripped down out of their clothes in a panic, prepared to swoop the phone before it could realize what was happening to it. Allie watched.

Kylie looked at Katie, and in that moment, one thing was as clear as the murky water: Katie was not moving. Katie could not move. Or at least, she chose not to move. The only action cutting through the tension was Katie’s high-pitched alarming scream.

In a matter of seconds and without breaking eye contact, Kylie clapped her hands above her head and dove so effortlessly and with such determination that even an Olympian would’ve stopped to think that was a solid dive for an amateur but I could still get more girls than her. The Olympian is Ryan Lochte.

As Kylie disappeared into the deep end, Allie yelled for Katie to turn the pool light on, as Katie was closer to it. “The box the box!!! The lights are on the box!!!” Allie screamed. Katie (also still screaming) instinctively threw a nearby Styrofoam box a couple feet from where it had just been. To this day she still can’t explain why this was the box she went for. Eventually, it registered that the lights were attached to an electrical box and she flipped the switches.

After a few gut-wrenching moments, Kylie emerged with the phone like a butterfly fresh out of the cocoon. The girls ran inside and threw some rice and quinoa (because LA) into a bowl and tossed the soaking wet phone in. Silence overcame the house.

More accurately, delirious laughter overcame the house and the girls realized that a) Katie’s phone was a goner b) everyone but Allie was still basically naked and c) Kylie was a hero.


Even if Katie’s phone is (definitely) forever broken, she will never be able to fully express her gratitude for Kylie’s immediate heroism (and for Allie’s lights suggestion). As a shocking twist to this tale, I’ll now reveal who Katie is. It’s me. And this blog post is dedicated to Kylie. Also please note Allie was there as well.