Birthdays make you realize what’s truly important in life: the people you love. One day a year, everyone in your life stops what they’re doing and reminds you how much you mean to them. But more importantly, they give you presents.
However, unless you’re a Kardashian, the older you get, the fewer presents you receive for your birthday. I’m not sure why this is – I mean, I appreciate lip smackers chapstick necklaces just as much at 24 as I did when I was 12. Perhaps even more so.
So I’m going to assume the reason is simply that no one knows what to get a 24-year-old. Fortunately for y’all, I’ve decided to put together a realistic (give or take) list of 24 universally desired birthday gifts for the 24-year-old in your life:
A giant neon pink banner to hang above my garage that reads – in rhinestones – “Less is not Moore. Katie is Moore.”
*So that one may not be universally desirable. The relatable portion begins now:
A guaranteed, front row parking spot anywhere I go.
A romper that looks good.
A puppy that never ages, never goes to the bathroom and can be trained to shave my legs for me.
HP’s cloak of invisibility. I mean, duh.
A pack of gum that automatically replenishes itself and a constant supply of chapstick and Ariana Grande perfume.
Permanently clean makeup brushes.
The type of intimidation factor wherein the sheer combination of a confident facial expression and an expansive vocabulary can win arguments. i.e. Sterling Moore.
A portable, wireless, super fancy coffee maker equipped with packets of stevia and peppermint mocha flavored creamer.
A tolerance for lactose.
A memory bank full of 2 Chainz lyrics and/or historical fun facts that I can whip out at a moment’s notice.
Mind control – but I would swear to only use it to get parking tickets retracted.
A general knowledge of cars.
A pet otter who is content in any environment
A baby penguin friend for my adaptable pet otter.
A radar that can detect whether or not a dude is lying about being directly related to a Franco.
Both Ellen’s and Lin-Manuel Miranda’s personal cell number and the promise that they will be there for me if ever I need them.
A wine opener that doubles as a cuticle cutter/deodorant/the perfect shade of red lipstick with a punny name like “I Red That Somewhere.” Everything you need for a night out is right there in one contraption.
Spinach that has the same taste and consistency as a red velvet cupcake but with the nutritional components of spinach.
A mimosa machine that everyone at work is cool with having in the break room, and a designated naptime every day to accommodate for all those mimosas at work.
A baseball cap that will not mess up my hair in any way whatsoever and in fact will make my hair will look better after I take it off.
Invisible socks that provide a comfortable, Tempur-Pedic feel to stilettos. Yes I had to google the correct spelling of Tempur-Pedic.
A phone case the same shape and size of a book so people will think me intellectual while I search my inbox for Sephora coupons.
A bottle of wine that whitens your teeth and cannot ever run out.
On that note, a bottle of sunscreen that acts as a moisturizing, streak-free self-tanner.
*If you’ve been counting, there are more than 24 items on this list. I am an adult. I am allowed to change the rules damn it. As I was saying:
A double date with John Krasinski and Emily blunt and my date is John’s lesser-known identical twin brother who also mysteriously happens to have Emily’s accent.
A snapchat filter that turns you into Blake Lively in the picture and in real life and you continue out your life as Blake lively.
A ginormous over-stuffed stain-resistant white couch that magically matches every item in the room.
A dishwasher that can handle hand-wash-only items sans damages or issues.
And finally, a pocket video camera that starts recording automatically when someone begins to try and describe something that is super common but uses really specific and obscure word choices.
Aside from the fact that you’re another year closer to the end, birthdays are the bomb. They’re full of love and fun and cake and friends. And just so you know, it’s never too late to give me a birthday present. So, if you have something on this list, you’ve got until August 23rd 2017 to fork it over to me. Thanks in advance.