Disneyworld: Why Small Children Are Basically Drunk Adults

Experiencing Disneyworld through the eyes of a 22-year-old presents you with two options: you can either be constantly maddened by the chaos of small children spastically running around as if fueled by an endless supply of energy OR you can sit back and be tickled by the striking comparison of these children to highly intoxicated adults. I chose the latter. So, with no further ado, here is my comparative analysis of shared traits.

 

No filter
Kids are pretty much guaranteed anonymity from all insults. They can stroll past any unsuspecting park-goer and loudly point out weight, height, misshaped moles, bold clothing choices. Both intoxicated adults and small children can sense when you haven’t showered and neither will hesitate to draw attention to that. Also like adults, children will offhandedly curse without reason. I wholeheartedly believe children cursing is one of the funniest things in the world to witness. They don’t need alcohol, just a few bad role models.

No physical boundaries
Children and drunk adults share an inefficient sense of balance, and therefore must grab whatever they deem appropriate to help keep them upright – whether it’s your hand, your fanny pack, your fanny pack minus the pack. I had to demand way too many children (all of whom were unrelated to me) to at least buy me dinner first.

Overly confident
For adults, alcohol is liquid courage. Kids require no such drug to be on the same level. Both parties will suddenly shed clothing without warning. However, the reaction to each differs among children and adults. A small child who unexpectedly takes his or her pants off and runs around is just adorable. All you can do is laugh. An intoxicated adult who does the same thing is a threat to those around him and what you should do is evacuate the area and call the police.

Spontaneously breaks into song
Both little kids and adults out on the town seem to be under the impression that they’re at a karaoke bar 24/7 and that they’re incredibly talented. In both cases – at least as far as my experiences have taught me – the typical go-to artist is Mariah Carey. (This singer selection may not be universal; perhaps my baby cousin simply has better taste than other, lamer babies.)

Bad dancers
With the exception of Steph Curry’s daughter, this is true of all small children and drunk adults.

Rapidly changing emotions
Little kids can go from unrealistically happy to sobbing in merely a few seconds. Adults also experience changing emotional phases throughout their drinking endeavors. One drink can lead to immense, child-like joy, while the next drink can launch someone into an aggressive state just looking for a fight. Children can be playfully running around and then suddenly trip and fall, and become inconsolably angry and sad and they won’t stop crying until the next phase hits. Both parties’ fluctuating emotional phases are brought on by relatively lackluster sightings. For adults, an attractive man or woman could be spotted; for children, an attractive box of animal crackers could be spotted. Both sightings result in behavioral changes.

One common phase is temper tantrums. If a young child throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the line for a roller coaster, the parents will either anxiously try to find the source of the problem and attempt to fix it or, as I assume I’ll do as a parent, they will ignore the child until he or she gets over it. In the same way, if an adult has had a little too much to drink and begins demanding something or throwing a temper tantrum about nothing, her friends will either attempt to fix the irrational problem or, more likely, ignore this person until she gets over it. In both cases, I say it’s every man for himself. Both small children and drunken adults get upset over nothing. Don’t expect my sympathy.

Eats food off the ground
This one is pretty self-explanatory and it is repulsive regardless of age.

Lack of fine motor skills
Children who haven’t fully developed these skills act similarly to adults whose skills temporarily disappear. The food on your fork or drink in your cup better make it all the way into your mouth without a detour onto your blouse. Whether that blouse is from Limited Too or J. Crew, it’s adorable and you can’t afford stains. Get it together.

Slurred speech
Do not use your baby voice. Tell me in a Big Girl voice that you want juice. The same goes for you, Intoxicated Adult: annunciate the fact that you want vodka in said juice. Whether you’re in the club or in the crib, incomprehensible speech is not cute and I will not respond to it.

 

Disneyworld is truly the happiest place on earth. Happiness for the kids, and happiness for all their fatigued parents just trying to stay at a perfectly acceptable level of drunkenness throughout the magical journey.