My family has never really been on board with my infatuation with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” (Coincidentally, neither has anyone else I know.) I try to tell them how alike we are and how our families should meet and take vacations – ridiculously lavish ones – together. Since they won’t believe me and refuse to watch it with me (except you Jake: I know you claim that I withhold the remote, but I like to think you actually enjoy watching the Kardashians with me), I’ve decided to assign each of us a Kardashian and spell out the similarities. So enjoy these accurate comparisons.
Mom: Kim Kardashian (diva/main Kardashian)
They are both by far the hottest in their respective families. Kim is also the subtle leader of the fam, whether or not anyone wants to admit it. Who are the Kardashian’s without Kim? Who are the Moore’s without Jackie? Well, they’d probably all be living in a box somewhere on the side of the road in Amsterdam. (That was the first location to come to my mind – we probably wouldn’t make it to Amsterdam as flights are expensive and we would have no leader.) Either way, you wouldn’t watch the show without Kim. She and Jackie are the glue that hold us all together.
Dad: Brandon Jenner (Bruce’s son that isn’t Brody)
Brandon, Brody Jenner’s lesser known brother, is rarely on the show – probably by choice. He has actually made something of his life and has been relatively successful, probably due to his constant absence from the Kardashian family gatherings. He also plays golf.
I know I know, my dad’s actual name is Kim but it just didn’t work out. Feel free to argue your case if your opinion is that my dad is similar to Kim Kardashian. I’ll make sure he’s there when you lay out your reasons.
Jake Moore: Scott Disick (Kourtney’s kind of boyfriend/husband?/he’s always around)
This one is pretty obvious. Scott is the suave prepster frat daddy of the fam. He makes the family a little less boring and a little more gaudy. He dresses to the nines and sometimes uses a cane. Have you ever read a classier sentence? Scott and Jake are both just a little cooler than everyone else. The law doesn’t apply to them. What is adversity? They don’t know the meaning.
Scott is like Justin Timberlake plus some substance abuse and sprinkled with accusations of being a sociopath. Jake is Scott minus these traits so I guess we’ve ultimately concluded that Jake is Justin Timberlake.
Jenni Moore: Mason Dash Disick (Kourtney & Scott’s baby son)
Mason is bar none the most adorable member of the family. He is also the most relatable. Everyone listens to what he has to say because, let’s be honest, he’s the sage of the group. Both Jenni and Mason contribute sensibility to the clan and make jokes beyond the combined comprehension of their families.
Katie Moore: Khloe Kardashian (Kim’s sister, she will always just be “Kim’s sister”)
Khloe is everyone’s favorite Kardashian. She makes fun of everyone and her mission in life is to make others as uncomfortable as possible. She is hilarious and sassy and gives every conversation an inappropriate spin. I don’t really know if we have that much in common but she’s my favorite and I didn’t want anyone to have to be Kris Jenner. Oh wait! I do think I’m destined to marry an NBA player, and I really liked her wedding dress. There! Common ground!
Tony: Kourtney Kardashian (Kim’s other other sister)
Kourtney and Tony are sarcastic, manipulative and by far the most lovable. They are quick to point out everyone’s flaws and tricking them into liking you is a massive victory in my book.
Timmy: Bruce Jenner (Kris Jenner’s maid/husband)
Have either of them ever made a decision on their own? Bruce and Timmy really just need to grow a pair. Like, be a man. Both of you.
Jasmine (the Moore’s third dog): Kendall Jenner (one of the brunette younger sisters)
Jasmine and Kendall have the prettiest hair but everyone just seems to forget about them.
Sterling Moore: a combination of Jack Donaghy and Chandler Bing
Quite frankly there is no Kardashian who shares traits with Sterling. I think that’s fair to say. This is not a bad nor a good thing. It’s just the truth.
So there’s that, we are all a bunch of peas in a very large pod. I like to think it would be a life-long friendship.
One difference though: while the Kardashians are funny to watch, I refuse to believe their family group messages are more entertaining than ours. Their Christmas cards, yes. But not their group messages. That’s our thing.